IAJ

I’m still in stage three right now – Anger / Bargaining. I had an extremely delayed onset of grief from this latest relationship. I conjecture this is for two main reasons. First, I actually had hope that it was going to work out in the long run, and two it was such a relief to get away from all the fighting at first. It all came crashing down on me, the moment I found out there was someone else.

Grace is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever dated.  It doesn’t take more than a quick glance of her curvaceous body, or her incredible blond curls to see that.  I knew from the moment I saw her, that I wanted her, and I immediately started plotting.  Little did I know that she had an eye for me also.  So it was, that we engaged in a love affair that changed my life forever.  Now that she is gone, I can hardly see straight.

My personal reconstruction is hardly beginning as of writing this.  I guess you could say this is the first step.  I can remember my break-up with Nicole being about this bad, but it would be impossible to call it.  I’d like to say that the  second time around I learned something, but I’m afraid not.  Love is always about putting yourself on the line, and when it fails, you fall hard.

Grace, fell hard when I left, but I didn’t.  She picked herself up, and I hadn’t even begun my descent.  I saw her pain and tried to encourage her to be with me, but all she saw was that I had deserted her, and left her with my ghost on the farm.  Meanwhile, my entire life changed, and I was left with the ghost of my old life with her.  Those moments we shared, are almost too painful to remember these days, due to my anxiety and feelings of loss.

Any who, time keeps marching forward, and as it grows more obvious that she has found happiness with someone else, my anxiety quadruples.  Depression and insomnia to say the least.  I was 99.9 % sure that she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with.  That just goes to show you how little control we actually have.  Regardless, I’m in for a long and painful recovery, and the sooner I start the better.

As of my last confession of love, I have conceeded to remaining friends, with the hope that one day circumstances will be right for a new union.  I would be satisfied waiting forever for her to return, but I recognize that it is killing my spirit.  I have to move on, even though I’m not ready.  It’s been six months and I’m just realizing this.

I am living in a new place right now with two male roommates, and one guy who sleeps on the couch.  The situation is far from ideal, but it could be a lot worse.  When I first got here however, things were far from okay.

It was difficult leaving my last residence, because of all the happiness I had experienced there, but alas change is the eternal law, and the season of love had come and was tarnishing.  Emotionally fraught, I reached out within my limited network, and I found a solution, a place to stay.

The room that was to be mine, had been all but abandoned due to a flooding problem.  Clothes lay strewn about, and heaped into piles that reached halfway up the half-painted walls.  The air was a foul mixture of mildew, sweat, and urine.  I crouched on the floor for a moment to consider the silver lining, choked back a strange burning in my eyes, and hit Home Depot for some 55 gallon bags.

Long story short, I have a room again that is to my liking, and overall the house is getting cleaner everyday.  When I arrived on the scene the balance of power shifted a little and tipped the scales towards tidiness.  Through a lot of initial effort to trash and consolidate  the junk, followed by a tireless effort to maintain cleanliness, I have decided that I am winning the constant battle.

As I am facing being fired in an economic downturn, I can’t help but be a little nervous.  I still can’t figure out why the old crew at Square One Signs turned on me so suddenly.  One thing is for certain, it’s hard enough telling prospective employers you were laid off, try telling them you were fired.  Alas, I don’t have any other option, but to pick up and get back on the horse.

I stopped in another sign shop today, and boy was I sure nervous.  I marched straight in and introduced myself.  I figured it would be best just to get it out of the way, so I told them I was fired, by Square One, and the loss was their gain.  I’m not sure that’s the best approach.  After a brief interchange, and exchange of resume, I left.  Still, there was one thing I noticed on the way out.

A-Sign group, that’s the name of the shop, was deader than dead.  Josh’s sunken expression during the introduction told me that it didn’t matter that I was fired.  There wouldn’t have been any work for me if I had graduate from the Harvard school of signs.  This just swings us back around to the reason I was fired in the first place.  So, I’m thinking sign business is slow business, these days.

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